Christmas Dance
by nld200xy
Summary: It's almost Christmas in South Park and what better way to spend it than with a Christmas Dance?  Everyone's going with a date except for Eric Cartman.  He needs to find a date and fast.  R&R and have a merry Christmas.


Typical Christmas in South Park

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park and only one character in this is actually mine. Also, this takes place before the kids are in grade 4, so good old characters like Mr. Hat are going to be in there.

It was that wonderful time of year, that year that brings your spirits up. That's right, it was December 14, only 10 days until Christmas. This also meant it was only 3 days until the annual Christmas dance.

And of all things on this day, a rainbow arched across the sky with its brilliant colors, and the first one to wake up and see it this morning was none other than local elementary school teacher, Mr. Garrison.

He yawned and stretched when he woke up and did his usual routines, ending with the most important thing of all, picking up Mr. Hat, his hand puppet. Outside he walked to be met by the most beautiful morning of winter.

"Boy, rainbows sure are beautiful," he said with glee as Mr. Hat nodded and confirmed, "They sure are, Mr. Garrison!"

And today was a great day for the teacher for he was flying off to South Africa. He would spend some festivities there and then fly back to South Park just in time for Christmas.

But surprisingly, this story does not revolve around him. Did I already mention the Christmas dance was coming up? Well, this was a great time for little third graders to find some mates for the dance. See, dances in South Park were to be remembered as romantic, so this was a great time for little boys to find little girls and spend a wonderful night together.

"So, who are you guys taking to the dance?" asked a young boy who wore a blue poof ball hat and a light-brown jacket named Stan Marsh.

His friends were Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick. Kyle wore a green duck cap and a light-brown and red coat. Kenny wore an orange parka, and since it always covered his mouth, his words would come out muffled but legible. Eric was really overweight for an 8-year-old and wore a blue toque. He also had a red coat, but man was he fat? Oh wait, he was 'big-boned'.

Kyle smiled and said, "I'm taking Rebecca to the dance."

"You gotta stop seeing that British fruitcake," Eric said, "You already ruined her life the last time you pulled out the moves on her."

"Shut up, fat boy!" Kyle retorted as Eric spat, "Oi, I'm not fat! I'm just big-boned!"

"But still," Kyle added, "I am surprised her parents let me take her. The last time I got romance involved with her life, she became a common whore."

"Well, I'm going with Wendy," Stan said as Eric rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, "Oh, that is such a surprise. Who would have guessed that Stan Marsh would be going out with Wendy Testaburger this year? What a strange turn of events."

"Shut up!" Stan remarked, "Hey, who are you taking, anyway?"

"No one yet," Eric replied, "but Kenny and I are holding auditions to see who will be our dates this year. There are lots of girls in the school, so we're bound to end up with someone."

Kenny nodded in agreement as the kids took their usual morning bus to school. (Yeah, I didn't feel it necessary to have a Ms. Crabtree moment) When they got to school, they had a substitute teacher, a Mr. Derp. Yes, I mean the guy who substituted for Chef in "Succubus". Basically, they learned less from him then what they would normally learn from Mr. Garrison. But that's not the point.

When lunch came, Wendy confronted Stan and asked, "Stan, you're going with me to the dance, right?"

"Of course, Wendy," Stan replied, "Who else would I take?"

Wendy was the most beautiful 3rd grader in South Park Elementary. Stan absolutely loved her. She had long black hair that covered half her back and eyes that gleamed in the sunlight. She also wore a pink toque and a coat to match. She had a very good fashion sense.

The two held hands as Stan let out a bunch of nervous chunks and a wimpy kid named Butter "Leopold" Stotch slipped on it and fell on his back. This was pretty normal.

Before starting their lunch, Kenny and Eric had to handle one simple matter. Kyle watched to see them fail but when shocked to see rows and rows of girls lined up to get a date for the Christmas Dance.

"Alright, it's so good you all came," Eric said with a grin, "Now we will start with Kenny. Kenny, who will you take to the dance?"

All the girls waited with anticipation hoping Kenny would pick one of them. Kenny looked around, eyeing the girls and said in a muffled tone, "I choose Anne Polk."

Anne squealed with delight as she skipped along merrily. The other girls congratulated their friend and went off to find others.

"OI, WHAT ABOUT ME?" Eric retorted as the girls turned around and one of them said, "Oh, I thought this was just for Kenny. Nobody wants to go out with you, fatass."

Eric grimaced retorted, "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU SKANKS, ANYWAY! I'LL FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU!"

Kyle laughed at his misfortune and the 3 boys headed down to the cafeteria.

The man who worked there was almost like a father to all of them. His name was Chef and ironically, he was South Park Elementary's school chef. He always wore a chef's hat since birth and had a rugged beard that ladies found attractive. He also wore a red T-shirt and had very good spirits during the holidays.

"Hello there, children!" he greeted as the boys said, "Hey, chef."

"Are you going to the Christmas dance?" Kyle asked as Chef smiled and said, "You bet! I even got a hot date! I think I might score this Friday night!"

After handing them their lunch, Eric paused midway and asked, "Chef, I need some help?"

"Why, what's wrong there, Eric?" he asked as Eric sighed, "I can't find a date for the Christmas dance. None of the girls here want to be seen with me."

"Well, let me sing you a little song," Chef said as the room when dark and disco lights turned on followed by another inspirational song from Chef:

"You see women are fragile little creatures. They only want the best from their man. You don't just force a woman to go on a date with you. You gotta show them that you are compassionate. That is how you get a woman in your bed so you can make sweet love to them the whole night through! I'm gonna lay you down in my bed, baby, and make sweet love to you all night! Oh, baby, I'm Mr. Sensitivity!"

After hearing that, Cartman thought about it and said, "Yeah, sensitivity. That might just work."

Then he walked out into the lunch area. He would have been happy to sit with his friends as usual, but he was desperate, so he found a girl without a date and sat next to her.

"Hey, Heidi," he said as the girl turned to him and asked, "Why are you sitting here, Cartman?"

"Because your beauty lured me here," he said in a sweet voice as she smiled and said, "Thanks for the complement. You can sit here if you want."

Eric then ate his lunch slowly like a gentleman would, turned to the girl and asked in his most sincere voice ever, "Heidi, would you like to go to the Christmas Dance with me?"

Heidi lowered her head and said, "I'm sorry, Cartman. It's nothing personal, but it would be embarrassing to be seen with you."

Upon hearing that, Eric just stood up and walked away from the table. He didn't understand it. He had been nice for a change and yet girls still avoided him. He watched as boys like Token, Butter and even that Nancy boy Pip getting dates. He was an outcast, the only 3rd grader not to have a date for the dance. Seeing the girl he'd just asked out asking Butters to the dance made him hurt even more.

With that, it was official. All was lost. He didn't even want to show up for the rest of the day's classes. He simply exited the school and sighed.

(Yes, this following part is a take on "Lonely Jew" from "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo")

Eric just walked down the road and sang, "It's hard to be big-boned on Christmas. People judge you by appearance alone. I can't make girls like me no matter how hard I try. They ignore my charming flare and look towards my apple pie. I'm gonna be the only one who doesn't get a date. Why do they have to judge me on Christmas?"

As he continued to mope, he entered and area he'd never seen before. People looked at him as he continued to sing, "Christmas is supposed to be a time when everyone forgets all the bad stuff. Instead of being happy I have to wear a frown. I didn't think that Christmas was a time for being down. They all just look at my gut and ignore everything else! I'm big-boned, it is a curse. I should be merry. Things could be worse on Christmas."

Unbeknownst to him, there was a young girl standing there at the end of his song. As he continued to mope, she walked over to him and sat next to him.

He glanced over at her and asked, "Are you going to laugh at me too? Well, go ahead. I'm already down in the dumps!"

"No," the girl replied, "I heard your song and I'm dealing with the same thing myself. I know what it's like to be judged and dateless."

Eric looked at the girl wondering what she was talking about. She was the prettiest thing he had ever seen. She had rich, exuberant eyes and nice blonde hair in a ponytail. She also wore a green T-shirt and had the smile of an angel.

"Why would anyone judge you?" he replied, "You're beautiful."

"Yes," she nodded, "That's the reason. See, boys in my school don't judge you by how unattractive you are. They judge you by how attractive you are. If your too pretty, they jump the assumption that you're too dumb to be seen with."

Eric beamed at the young girl and said, "You and I are alike right now. Well, forget your biased dance. Wanna come with me to mine?"

The girl smiled and hugged Eric saying, "Sure! By the way, my name's Sophie! I'll go tell my parents. Wait, who are you?"

Eric smiled and said, "My name's Eric Cartman," and the girl skipped happily home to ask her parents if it was alright.

Eric just walked away smiling and said a quiet, "Sweet."

Mr. Garrison had just arrived at South Africa. He looked at everything and spat, "God, Mr. Hat, can you believe how these people celebrate Christmas? This is disgraceful! It's time to bring out my Santa Suit and start the usual annual offensive Christmas song!"

And there is no way I'm going to come up with the lyrics for that. Anyway, it was now another beautiful morning and the kids all stood by the bus stop accept Eric wasn't there this morning.

"I haven't seen Cartman since lunch yesterday," Stan said as Kyle replied, "He's probably just crying at home because he can't get a date."

At that very moment, Eric showed up happy and said, "Guy, guess what?"

"You're going to lose 100 pounds?" Kyle asked as Eric sighed in disgust at his friend's snide remark and said, "No, I got a date for the dance last night. Her name is Sophie."

"Are you serious?" Stan asked as Kyle remarked, "He's lying, Stan! I don't believe that Cartman would get a date for a second! You're full of crap, fat boy!"

"Oh, mock me all you want, but it's true," Eric said as a beautiful girl just walked up to him at that very moment and said, "I asked my parents and they said it was okay. See you at the dance, Eric."

As she walked off, Kenny's eyes widened as he shouted, "THAT GIRL WAS FREAKING HOT!"

"So, Kyle, how do you feel knowing I got such a hot date?" Eric boasted as Kyle growled and spat, "WHO CARES? SO WHAT IF YOU GOT A DATE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRAG ABOUT IT!"

"Now, Kyle," Eric coaxed his friend, "calm down. Just because you got stuck with a British slut and I got a cute, nice piece of ass, you don't have to be so jealous."

As the bus arrived, the boys sat down in separate seats as Kyle fumed and muttered, "I am not jealous. I had a date before him. Why should I be jealous?"

Upon arriving at school, before the kids entered class, Kyle walked up to Eric and said, "Cartman, I have to admit that I overreacted earlier."

Eric looked at him strangely as Kyle sighed and said, "You're right, I have no reason to be jealous. I'm happy for you getting a date. I mean, it make little sense that any girl in their right mind would want you, but I'm going to just sit back and support it, alright?"

Eric had to admit that he was a bit disappointed. He wanted Kyle to be jealous, but it didn't matter. At least he wasn't going to be the biggest loser in school. He was so happy all day, even happy enough to understand what Mr. Derp was trying to teach the glass. And for the short period between now and the dance, he was very excited for Friday Night, the night of the Christmas Dance.

And that night came very soon. Everyone had shown up for the dance. Stan and Wendy were both dropped off by their parents while Kyle's dad and Rebecca's father had rode together to make sure that those two were okay going to this dance with each other. Kenny and Anne walked because his family's car had broken down again and it was going to be 3 months before his dad could pay for the repairs.

Chef had also arrived with his girlfriend and smiled at the boys saying, "Hello there, children. This is my date, Monique. We're gonna go over by the punch bowl if you don't mind."

And so the music started as Stan and Wendy went into the middle of the dance floor and did the only thing necessary at the moment.

"Stan?" Wendy asked as Stan stopped looking at his feet for support and said, "Yeah, Wendy?"

"I don't really feel like dancing," Wendy replied, "Let's go on the roof of the school and look up at the stars."

Stan nodded, happy to be getting some alone time with his girlfriend, and joined her up on the roof.

At that very moment, Eric had arrived with Sophie by his side. Both of them stepped into the middle of the dance floor and impressed everyone with their dance steps. This was a beautiful moment. Both of them seemed so attached to each other, not letting the other go.

As soon as the song ended, they left the dance floor and received cheers from the people who had just watched them dance. As the two leaned against the wall together, Monique turned to chef and said, "Chef, honey, this is boring. Why don't we go to your place?"

Chef whistled and said, "Damn, girl, you cut right to the chase."

Kyle was quite impressed by Rebecca's dance skills. Sadly, Kyle was having trouble. He'd never been all that good at dancing, so he felt silly.

"Rebecca?" he asked, "Can we get off the dance floor? This is embarrassing."

Rebecca nodded and as soon as they left the dance floor, she gave him a big kiss and said, "You're so cute when you're nervous."

Back on the roof, Stan and Wendy just sat hand-in-hand and looked up at the stars.

"This is a beautiful night," Wendy said as Stan smiled at the girl of his dreams.

The mood was just right. The two leaned in towards each other prepared to lock lips, but as Wendy's neared Stan's, Stan's cheeks started to puff up.

Then it happened. He threw up on her. Various chunks flew out of his mouth, and somehow, he had expected this. It happened every single time.

"Sorry about that," he said as Wendy smiled, wiped some puke off of her face and said, "It's alright. I'm used to it," and for once, gave him a real kiss. Surely, Stan didn't have any puke left in him, right? And sure enough, her suspicions were correct. Stan wrapped his arms around her and held her closer while the two kissed.

Back at the dance floor, Sophie smiled at Eric and said, "Eric, I really like you. You're the sweetest boy I ever met. Do you think we could be girlfriend and boyfriend?"

Suddenly it hit Eric like a rock to the head. He hadn't even thought about this. But even so, he knew what he had to do.

"Sorry, Sophie," he said, "but I only asked you out so I wouldn't be the biggest loser in the school. I don't wanna start a relationship."

"So you don't really like me?" she remarked as tears went down her face and all Eric could do was stand there saying, "Yep, it's funny how the truth hurts, isn't it?"

Sophie was both sad and angry right now, so she turned to Eric and shouted, "YOU JERK!" and kicked him square between the balls. Eric crouched down onto the ground, moaning in pain and coughing up phloem.

Kyle watched this scene and felt very happy while he and Rebecca held hands.

Sophie ran out of the gymnasium, tears dripping down her face and stormed out the door. She never wanted to see Eric again.

The rest of the night had gone off rather well for everyone else and soon everyone was back at his/her respective home. While everyone slept soundly that night, Eric couldn't sleep. He thought long and hard and was very confused about this whole thing. Could it be that he really did have feelings for Sophie? Well, it was too late now. He had blown his one chance at true happiness.


End file.
